Sample Proofreading

On 2012/07/24, in No Category, by CECS

E-mail sent by: max

Subject: none

She  has a very beautiful voice. There is a person who says, “Voice that sounds on ground and rises to the heaven”, too. The voice enchants a lot of people. Moreover, there is a peculiar sense of existence. Her song was used for the movie in foreign countries in 2003.The voice of her and a peculiar sense of existence will enchant not only Japan but also a lot of people.

How do you think about it?  What point should you correct?

 

Editor: Albert

Response

Based on your text, you are talking about a singer who has got a beautiful voice, her voice being the main topic. Your text is grammatically okay, but the sentences are not well knitted. It means you lack consistency and organization.

She  has a very beautiful voice. There is a person who says, “Voice that sounds on ground and rises to the heaven”, too. [P1] The voice [P2] enchants a lot of people. Moreover, there is a peculiar sense of existence. Her song was used for the movie in foreign countries in 2003. The voice of her and a peculiar sense of existence will enchant not only Japan but also a lot of people.[P3]

[P1] The first two sentences don’t connect. You are talking about a she and then you changed the focus to the “there is a person.”

[P2] The voice? Be consistent.

[P3] We don’t usually say the voice of her in written or spoken English.

 

Suggestion

You could write:

Many believe she has a very beautiful voice. Her voice is said to be a voice that comes from the ground and rises to heaven. Because of its peculiar sense of existence, it has enchanted a lot of people.

One of her songs was used for a movie in a foreign country in 2003. This is just one example that her voice will not only enchant Japan but also other countries around the world.

 

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